Blades1000

well, i haven't posted in a long time. But... I'm at a moment that i need somewhere to spill it all... I don't even care about who reads this anymore.

Well. Ever since i last posted... Basically. I've been in love with Lucy. She's an amazing person... And after confessing to her, we slowly became closer, and two months later, she told me that she liked me too. Well. We would hang out, kiss, but we weren't dating. She still kept her 18 rule. We were also hiding from her mom about this. And... Well. The other day, we were at the library, and her mom found out basically. And. I told Lucy to tell her mom the truth. About everything. And that if her mom did not approve, i'd stay away from Lucy. And... It's been like two days now.... And she wants me to wait for her. I think it's a no. And i just... I don't know. I can't be as strong as i want to be. Just the thought of losing her is making me go crazy. I love her so much. I've fallen in love with this girl., whom i fought long and hard for. And to lose it all in one moment. How did we end up like this. I'm no good for her, but still, i want her so badly. Her mom doesn't like me because i'm a bad influence on her. But. I love her. And she loves me. We are happy together. Why can't we be together. She's just so beautiful. I'm not scared of calling her my girlfriend. Now, i'm lying in bed, thinking of her, cause usually, i'd be talking to her right at this time. And. She needs time? I don't know anymore. But it's making me go crazy. I can't just sit by and wait. I want to be there by her side, and hold her. I want to be there to hold her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her everything is alright. Yes, i'm back into my underground rnb love songs. But. I love her so much more than any other girl. I want to stay with her forever. I wish nothing could stop us. Man. It hurts. A lot. To have to wait. And know that's she's hurting. This heart ache. What is it all for? At times, i wish she never accepted my love. I wish she never loved me. So that we never had to go through this pain. She deserves so much better than me. She is out of my league. I want her to find some guy that'll treat her right. That'll make her happy. That'll fit her criteria. That'll love her more than i could possibly. I don't know anymore. My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I even have exams and the only thing i can think of is her. I try studying and nothing comes to mind. We had so many good memories together. I don't want to forget them. I don't want them to disappear. I spent so much of my time with her. She's become part of my life. I guess that's the negative part about falling in love with your best friend. She means so much to me. To lose her is painful. It's like losing half of me. I don't know what'll happen. I'm pretty sure it's bad news that she's going to tell me. I just have to prepare for it. I just don't know if i can. I love her. I'm not scared of saying it. In fact, i'm proud. That i was able to love someone like her, and that it was also returned. She meant so much to me.

Well, i don't know what else to say. That's a huge summary about how i feel right now. There are other things, but. I cannot say. I just love her. So to end this post about love, i'll say it with pride.

Lucy, i love you. I love you. I love you, and i love you.

sorry i didn't post. I have too much to say. And i'm tired and don't feel like saying much so here it goes:

Friday, i spent the whole afternoon and evening with Lucy. In the afternoon, we practiced for Java Jive and Pie. In the evening, we went to my house and practiced for coffeehouse and talked.

Saturday, i left the house and bussed with my guitar down to Fairview. Met up with Lucy at 1 pm and spent the whole time shopping with her until 3:30ish. It was fun. Then we bussed to TCAC. We did a soundcheck and then went to eat viet. After, we had coffeehouse and then charis' mom drove us home. We talked on the phone after till about 2 am. We talked about a lot. I liked the day. I got to spend a whole day with Lucy.

Today, went to church. Rachel said i looked taller. Made my day. Went to pick up aunt and uncle. Then stayed home. I planned to work on my Extended Essay but that was a fail. I was too happy from yesterday to do work. So i ended up watching Boys Over Flowers instead. Love Ga Ful. Talked to Lucy on the phone from 11 pm to 12:30 am. She went to read The Great Gasby. So yeah. Now i'm posting.

If you want to know details, you gotta ask! :)

talked to jireh tonight. Gotta practice tomorrow with lucy. Maybe go to Jireh's church tomorrow. Hope lucy will be okay. :(

hey there.

I don't know what to talk about. There isn't anything to talk about...

Love you,

Me.

yeah... it's been a while since i last posted... so here comes another block of text!

Just finished writing my SAT on saturday... i only had like a week to study... also, had to finish editing my extended essay and everything so it was really like... harsh... Hence, i didn't get to post much. Why am i posting now? Because Evelyn told me to... basically.. haha. Yeah, i've been up lately, and instead of doing work, i've been like talking to Lucy... haha. But... i keep falling asleep on her... >.<... not a good sign.

Ohhh, i met these two twins at school, Claudine and Erica. Haha, they're like part chinese, part korean, part fillipino, and part "canadian"... epic... They C-Walk and they've been trying to teach me... LMAO. I fail.

I've been watching Boys Over Flowers. SO CUTE. LIKE OMG. btw, I'm totally in love with Kim So Eun. she's SO pretty... yes, i may seem shallow... but... SHE'S SO PRETTY. Shucks... love dramas...

We're preforming for Java Jive and Pie on thursday the 19th, and for Agape Coffeehouse on saturday, the 14th. YES THIS SATURDAY. Come join.

Yeah, i can't think of anything else. I'll try posting daily again... Toodles~~

sorry i didn't post last night. Too busy talking to lucy on the phone. :)

Well, lucy woke me up this morning... At 9:30. I ended up sleeping until 2. Haha. I worked on iop. I finished it. I'm basically going to wing the whole thing. I learned someday we'll know for lucy.

I like talked to june the whole day. Weird.

Didn't go trick or treating. But i DID start watching this korean drama. It's called boys before flowers. It looks decent. Fiona told me to watch it so i'm going to. :)

Dressed up as a gay guy yesterday. It was fun watching people's reactions.

We made it for java jive.

That is all.

My computer's being really slow... so if i post something today, it'd take me 5 hours just to write a paragraph. Sorry...

I've been scolded...
Grades aren't doing so well...
Haven't been in a good mood lately.

The kingdom is falling apart,
As I stand there, watching my life change.
Walls that I used to draw on suddenly crumbled,
Letting light come in, blinding me.
The king no longer represents God,
And I no longer know whom to believe in.
After the long journey on my quest for a lady,
I slew the dragon,
Yet I still can't reach the princess.
The knights of the round table,
Whom I were taught to be valiant and honourable,
Go off drinking with whores and prostitutes.
The hands of the peasants,
Which had been calloused by the hoe and sickle,
Now carry the blood of men.
Castles of marble and glass,
Are shattered by blacksmiths.
The golden crown, full of sapphires and emeralds,
Was being sold for money and women.
I walk down the streets of the marketplace,
Only to find the beggars on the curb
Begging for food while the dogs
Of the nobles feasts on silver platters.
Women were not people, but property
For men in which they did whatever they pleased.
Executions were not condemned
But were a means of entertainment
To the public.
Contests of murder were practiced,
Not for money nor justice,
But for pride and self glory.
Stories of angels and fairies were lost.
Myths of heroic knights remained as myths.
Boys were taught to fight.
Girls were taught to bear child.
And love became obsolete.
And I just stood there, letting my life change.

~CK

I want to  go trick or treating... anyone wanna go?

well... Today. I did worship on a team for the first time ever. It wasn't my first time doing worship, i've done it before. It was my first time worshiping with a worship team. Haha.

Did i talk about emmanuel? It was fun. We played monopoly. Which got interrupted and never ended.

Feasted today. I'm fat.

I talk to Cookie too much. Haha.

I don't feel like talking much. I realized that i only write a lot when i'm NOT on msn.

Oh. SHIT. I forgot to post yesterday. Fml. I ruined my streak. I was doing so well too...

tryout went okay. Lucy's sick so her voice was a little weird, and i was freezing. I couldn't play properly. I hope we get in though.

Lmao. I played starcraft on lucy's laptop during buyout. I haven't played in ages.

Worship practice tomorrow, then i think i'm gonna go to emmanuel. :)

That's it tonight.

Lucy agreed to do coffeehouse. So mark the 14th.

Oh gosh. Tomorrow. Is the java jive tryout. Then saturday, worship practice, then sunday, worship. Wow. I've moved from badminton to music. Haha.

Aw. Katrina, i hope you got over this. Don't do anything stupid. ):

Don't got much to talk about today. Nothing big is happening in my life except...

I love being around her. We spend so much time together... And i don't think it's helping my situation. She doesn't like me though... And in a way, i'm kind of happy. Cause at least she'll still spend time with me as a friend.

Rosemary wants me to play for Coffee Night. If I do it, i'm thinking of these songs... But i'll have to ask Lucy if she wants to join.


Lucky - Jason Mraz
greatest story ever told - Oliver James
Trip -Hedley
Stars - Switchfoot

Song Lucy and I want to do:

Stars (acoustic) - Switchfoot

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone you looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself

Stars looking at a planet
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe to start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Begin to look like home

I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you looks so empty
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself.
Yeah!

Everyone, Everyone feels so lonely
Everyone, yeah everyone feels so empty
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I feel like myself
When I look at the stars
The stars

(we're doing a duet with Guitar. =))

Song that I love playing on the guitar the most:

Trip (acoustic) - Hedley

I am so not ready for History test tomorrow. And I did my Chem lab... Didn't do anything after that... my brain stopped working... Gotta bring guitar to school tomorrow to practice with Lucy. Gotta get to school at 8 to tutor... I'm slowly dying from insomnia.

Omg... It's 12:40... and my head's like spinning.... I just spent the last... 6ish hours... doing multiple subjects at once. Don't feel like posting much... I'll explain what I was doing though...

first... about 6ish... I was working on my English Assignment... While trying to calm down June because she was freaking out because she lost all her EE stuff... AND I was explaining things to Rosemary because she failed to pay attention in class and doesn't know anything... and she has a test tomorrow.

About 9ish... I started working on my Lab, I basically DID JUNE'S WHOLE ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT... which i must say is EXTREMELY good. Like... honestly, if she doesn't get a 100, imma spaz. It's actually like GENIUS. It like links the WHOLE book together. and I'm still helping Rosemary with her math.
It was about 12:30am that June and I finished her english Assignment, and i barely even finished half of my bio lab. I didn't even start doing my History stuff nor my Chem... and I'm still helping Rosemary... WOW. Like honestly... My plan to work failed... epically.

I'm too nice...

Okay. So well yesterday, i basically went to school... Normal. nothing really big.

Then i tutored Fiona. She has a test on tuesday. And like. She didn't know much. Yeah. She needs help. Haha.

Went home and learned Stars by Switchfoot. It isn't hard. The only problem is making a nice clear sound.

Went to all you can eat jap yesterday. It was good.

Today. I sat at home and finished my ee. I also tried working on Stars.

I win Evelyn. His name's ______. Ha. Now i won't forget. It's on my livejournal now. Beat that... She wouldn't let me put it up...

Gotta do laundry tomorrow, and i gotta work on bio lab, and chem homework, english assignment, and study for history. I at least finished my EE.

Talked to June . Haha i gave her an awesome idea for english assignment. She owes me. Haha.

Told Lucy that i finished learning Stars. We're trying out on Friday at 4. Wish us luck!

Church tomorrow. :) can't wait to catch Rachel sleeping in church again.

I started reading Hitman Reborn. It's cute. Haha. Omg Bleach. ichigo is coming! And he's super crazy strong! Ou and Naruto is getting interesting.

That's all i got today. Bye!

i'm too lazy to post a lot.

School
Tutor
Stars
All you can eat japanese

That's today. I'll explain tomorrow.

wow. Guess what happened today. I got scolded by Priscilla. A girl in grade 11. Why? For being lazy and not doing work and not trying in school. Well, i know that i don't try a lot. But i just don't know. I can't motivate myself anymore. I don't WANT to do anything anymore. It's like i gave up. I used to hate that about me. I always stop trying the moment it gets hard. It's the opposite of my mom. She was telling me today that NO MATTER WHAT, if her name was on something, she's do her best on it. She would make sure it's done to the best of her capabilities. Yeah, i didn't inherit that from her. I wouldn't bother. Even IF my name was on it. That's the sad part. I don't try. I became what i didn't want to be. I became useless. I lost all my drive for anything. How depressing.

Choir was fun. Messed around with Spencer and Mandy. Haha. We are constantly making jokes throughout the whole thing. I think that's why i'm not so annoyed by choir.

Lucy asked me about java jive and pie. She gave me the... "look". I agreed... Well, i thought about it. If we tryout, it's still not FOR SURE that we'd make it. Plus, we'd get free pie. The only problem. I have to learn it and we have to sound good. Another plus, it's LUCY. Haha. I teased her so much. It's fun watching her struggle.

Extended Essay due soon. I realized just now that i've been too pessimistic recently. I would be so depressing. I think i should be optimistic. I should start changing.

I have to tutor fiona tomorrow... Well i don't HAVE to. I choose to. Because mondays are killer for me. And like. I want to make sure she can pass her test.

Lucy rejected to do group 4 with me. Because i have bad work habits. Meh. I've changed. I realized it. I wouldn't mind doing work as long as i'm interested. If i'm not, i'd do it, just slower. So i have no partner. Great.

I need to start studying for History. Maybe i'll take Croswell's advice. I'll have so much to do over the weekend. I'm going to die... I mean. I'll finish it! I know i can.

I'm done studying for chem... Well i finished skimming my notes for chem. I'm going to sleep early. I was falling asleep in chem and english. I need to sleep earlier. I'll follow Evelyn's advice. :) night.

wednesdays are hell for me now. Right after school, i tutor Fiona. Then after that, jazz choir. Go home and eat. Then badminton. Killer.

Next week, i'm going to die. My agenda has a ton of like things next week.

Oh. I think i'll start marketing this thing for my mom. And i need people to test it out... I'm going to have to get Xenia. Great. I guess i DO have to talk to her.

Jazz choir wasn't so bad. I don't mind it so much.

Tutoring fiona was hard. Haha. She's like clueless. I started from the basic stuff. Lol. I told her that we're going to meet friday since like, she has a test next week tuesday. And like she's not doing so well in school.

Not much to talk about. Haha. I had my fun yesterday. Kay so that's it for today! :) light stuff.